Almost There, Sort of

Next week I start my last week of radiation treatments,  which means the closing of this chapter.  I’ll be happy not to have to go to the clinic every day and to have a chance to get my life back.

This does not mean the end to my problems with cancer.  Sadly it is just the first step in a longer process.  Next comes the really hard part:

Waiting.

The radiation doesn’t work all at once – it takes time to do its thing and my first post treatment PSA test is in June.  And that test is only an indicator of how well the treatment has worked.  I’ll have to get regular tests to monitor and the best I can hope for is continued falling numbers.  At some point later in the year, the doctors will hopefully be able to declare that the cancer is gone.

I’d like to be very optimistic here.

But I am not in an optimistic place today.

My body hurts.  My brain hurts. I am tired and my soul is running of out of energy.

and I’ve got a week left to go.  The treatments are taking their toll and today the words are not coming out that easily.  I’ve learned to type as fast as I think and if you were watching me type today it would look something like this:

I   a m   t  y  p  i  n g    v   e    r     y      s    l     o    w     l     y        .

In fact it is possible that I’ve fallen asleep a time or two while writing this.

The treatments have moved to the final test of my endurance.  I have no doubt I’ll make it to the end but don’t be surprised if I collapse just the other side of the finish line.  Perhaps I am just a bit pessimistic today.  Either that or I’ve run out of Red Green episodes to watch.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh, sorry nodded off again.

I’ve been doing what I can to keep my spirits up and my body moving.  Friday I took the day off work and Heather took me out to a show, “Finian’s Rainbow,” done by a local theater company (great show and the cast looked like they were having fun) .  Yesterday I mostly sat in a chair in the living room with my graph paper and pencil drawing sketches for my giroaster and a new coffee/game/puzzle table I plan to build for the living room.  Okay – I drew between naps and trips to the bathroom.  Then after a busy day of drawing and napping, Heather and I relaxed by watching TV while working on our 2000 piece puzzle.

Today I managed church and Starbucks.  At church the prayer shawl group gave me a nice knitted shawl (it’s soft, comfy and warm), “to wrap myself in God’s healing love.”  It came with a nice card with the blessing they prayed over it before giving it to me.

It’s now nearly 5:00 and I can’t really account for the afternoon.  Strange.

I’ve forced myself here to write this post so you’ll know what’s up and to reassure myself that I can still do something.  Writing hasn’t been coming easily this week.  I’ve got a number of pieces started but can’t seem to finish them.  A friend recommended a post topic and while I’ve got a draft of that going I can’t seem to fix this paragraph right in the middle of the thing.

I’ve been trying to think why.  So far all that comes up is – I am tired.  Body, mind and soul.  It is likely just the treatments and the endurance contest I find myself in. My body is being damaged slowly and as it diverts energy to healing I find I can do less each day.  Soon that will change and I’ll be able to get back to the other things I want and need to do.

Until I can do more I’ll have to rely on others to help me and I’ll continue to thank God for that great gift of my wife who is standing by and supporting me through this difficult time.

About Andrew Reynolds

Born in California Did the school thing studying electronics, computers, release engineering and literary criticism. I work in the high tech world doing software release engineering Then I got prostate cancer Now I am a blogger and work in my wood shop doing scroll saw work and marquetry.
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2 Responses to Almost There, Sort of

  1. I think it is wonderful to be able to share these types of experiences. Too often I think we try to hide these emotions away from the world as we are expected to be “strong”. I believe it takes much more strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable and share with those you know and complete strangers. We admire your courage and believe it gives those around you going through tough times much needed comfort. Thank you.

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  2. Dave Foyle says:

    Hi Andrew,
    You’ve been through a lot the last few months that’s for sure. I appreciate your honesty and sharing of this ordeal with us. Blessings and prayers for you and Heather.
    Dave

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