I read that someone stole the toilet at the police stations. Detectives said they had nothing to go on.
I just saw a cop wearing a pilot’s uniform. Turns out he was a plane clothes officer.
Detectives just came to my house and asked, “Where were you between 5 and 6?” I replied, “Kindergarten.”
There was a fire at the donut shop, 2 fire engines and 20 police cars responded.
When the police officer pulled me over she asked if I had a police record. I said “No, but I’ve got a few Willie Nelson LPs.”
Did you read about the guy who stole a lamp? He got a light sentence.
The parking control officer asked why I parked there, I said, “The sign says fine for parking.”
I heard they arrested some celery for stalking.
Why did the cops raid the baseball game? They heard someone stole a base.
At the training academy a recruit was asked what would he do if he had to arrest his mother. He answered: “Call for back up.”
A cop pulled me over and said, “When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 75.” I said, “Oh no officer, it’s the hat that makes me look that old.”
My wife went to the back of the boat to cook a simple dinner – just a little stern fry.
I’ve been trying to write cooking jokes, but nothing has been panning out.
Just read a bout a guy arrested for stealing cooking utensils. He reportedly said it was worth the whisk.
I wanted to surprise the family by doing a BBQ. Sadly the fire engine sirens ruined it.
If I die choking on a gummy bear, I hope the just say I was killed by a bear and leave it at that.
I just burned 2,500 calories in one hour. Next time I put brownies in the oven, I’ll start a timer.
So smoking will kill you … bacon can kill you … but smoking bacon cures it …
Did you hear about the man who broke into a kitchen? He heard they had a bread making machine.
Why didn’t the butcher make it to the golf final? He’s know for his slicing …
The baker said that he only gives out his recipes on a knead to know basis.
I knew a chef who could take cheese and make grate things.
I didn’t like the chef. I though he had a shellfish attitude.
This is a poem I wrote many years ago after a visit to Arlington National Cemetery. It’s one I like to post on Memorial Day. Let us all take a moment to remember the fallen.
The tour bus rumbles past
the quiet monuments to the fallen.
Shutters click as the tour guide
speaks the litany of the shrine,
that once was the Lee estate.
Now it is that hallowed ground
where solders come for that long rest.
The Quick rumble past the carved stones
of the Dead, that once placed
boots of war on their feet.
Their soles now silent.
Now day-trippers take aim and fire.
Cameras, not rifles.
Pictures, not prisoners taken.
The bus stops. The microphone is silent.
To the left a horse pulls a caisson carrying a flag-draped box
That contains a name who once walked.
The warrior sent at our command.
The sightseer sees and falls silent
And hears the echo of guns.
Three volleys and then the mournful notes.
Boys became men
And men became names
And names became graves
Gone is the sun,
Day is done.
God is Nigh.
Some thoughts that won’t fall flat …
I knew a guy who belonged to a band called the Hinges. They were a support band for the Doors.
A friend started a band call, “Sold-Out.” They had a great poster and ad campaign. Sadly, no one ever came to their shows.
I heard music in the kitchen. The radio was off so I was confused. Turns out it was the Chopin board.
The string quartet couldn’t find the composer – turns out he was Haydn.
How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb? We don’t know – no one ever looks at the director.
There are so many composers – I could make a Liszt.
Making a bandstand is easy – just take away their chairs.
My friends were thinking of starting a cover band. They’re going to call it, “Duvet.”
I was in one of those used record stores and I asked, “Do you have anything by the Doors.” The guy at the register said, “Just the shopping baskets and a couple of posters.”
I was watching a live concert of the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when suddenly the guy playing the triangle disappeared.