Andrew's View of the Week

Of Elephants and Test Results

Posted on 12/09/2012 by Andrew Reynolds

You’ll be happy to know that I’ve been thinking about this blog post since Friday. No, it hasn’t helped but it has helped me pick my topic for the week: Elephants.

You know those big gray things that show up in your living room and won’t go away until you talk about them. If you think about it, it is a bit of a strange expression, “The elephant in the living room” or “talk about the elephant in the living room.” Which is to say the thing that is so big, it just can’t be ignored – by the way, I did a quick google search on the phrase and it seems that the phrase entered the American lexicon in or about the year 1959 although some sources cite earlier examples.

Also while looking up the elephant phrase I remembered another saying by the respected alcoholic, Father Martin, when he said, “Variety is the spice of life, but routine in the essence of life.” I’d explain more, but the elephant is getting restless. Of course you understand that this is simply a delaying tactic so I don’t have to name what the metaphorical elephant represents.

Well, can’t put it off any longer. The name is: I had my six month PSA test.

Exciting stuff and enough to occupy my full emotional life for a couple of weeks with a host of irrational fears, deep paranoia with a touch of serious, and possibly clinical, depression. In all of this the voice of reason has been silenced and comforting sounds of sea shanties have been drowned out by the stormy seas of uncertainty and doubt.

I figure in matters such as this, I just go for the melodramatic and hope for the best.

So why the drama? Well, you see – this whole prostate cancer thing is a bit unnerving and while the treatment I had in February was appropriate and skillfully administered, there is still always that tiny bit of doubt. In prostate cancer the treatments are a numbers game – a gamble – based on probability and best estimates with no guaranties. The problem is that there are just so many variables that the problem can’t be simplified to, “Do X and you’ll get result Y.” The problem usually comes down to, “do A, B and C and there is a 95% probability that Y happens.”

What does this have to do with PSA? Everything. This simple blood test shows how well the treatment is working, or if the treatment failed. My first follow-up PSA test six months ago showed that the PSA had fallen by half which meant that the radiation did start doing its job.

The good thing and the most frustrating thing about prostate cancer is that it is a slow-growing and also a slow dying cancer. Slow growing is nice because it gives you time to get the right tests and select the best treatment, but zap the darn thing with radiation and the cells take their time about dying. The strange thing about radiation is it doesn’t kill the cancer cells outright. What it does do is to disrupt their DNA so they can’t reproduce and in time they die off. Before the bad cells die they pump PSA into the blood stream and this then becomes the measure of how many bad guys are left.

So for the foreseeable future I’ll have to get a PSA test every six months to measure how many prostate cells still live. As long as the number goes down or stays the same, life is good and I need no further treatments. But in the strange math of statistic probabilities and cancer cells there remains always the slight chance that some cancer cells escaped certain and final death to become a problem again. An event that would again change my life and send me seeking even more annoying and painful medical procedures.

Hence my fear of the test – it’s result. The little number in an email and the uncertain math, whose change dictates the quality and quantity of my remaining life.

The good news is that this time results came back low – dropped by half from the last reading and down to a quarter of the highest reading last year. In fact the level is slightly lower than for a man of my age, indicating that the radiation treatment succeeded and that I have every reason to hope that the cancer is gone.

From fear to hope. That is the theme of my week – the lens through which I am now looking at the world. And I can’t seem to find that elephant – he was right over there.

Hope and the realization of how precious life is.

So as we approach the Christmas season and the weeks pass I say to all of you, live life, enjoy the world around you and fill your days with love.

Posted in Prostate Cancer | Tagged elephant in the living room, Prostate Cancer, PSA | 6 Comments

What do You Want to be?

Posted on 12/02/2012 by Andrew Reynolds

When I was five I recall being asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I immediately responded, “A lion.”

I was a bit upset when my teacher wouldn’t accept that answer and insisted that I pick something like, “Fireman or Policeman.” My five year old brain couldn’t understand why growing up to be a lion was unreasonable. After all my teachers kept saying, “You can be what you want when your grow up, even the president.” Well I knew that I didn’t want to be president; becoming a lion seemed just as possible as becoming the president. After being pressed for a “real” answer I finally gave in and suggested that I could be a fireman – kind of a let down from running through the jungle roaring at other animals but you do get to ride around town in a big truck with a siren.

Ever since then I’ve been plagued by the question, “What do you want to do?”

Most times I have no clue and I’ve often responded to the question with, “If I knew what I wanted I’d be dangerous.”

In my life I’ve struggled with the question a lot – What do you want to be? Or what do you want to do? or that really tough question: what do you want for dinner?

Choosing isn’t one of my strengths – never has been. My mother always told the following story about me. Now I’d like to refute every part of this story, but I was there and recall it very clearly. Here is how my mother would tell the story:

“Well Andy was never good at saying what he wanted. I remember when we were at May Lake (a small lake just off the Tigoa Pass in Yosemite) when Andy was six. We were about to leave and Andy was just staring at the lake. I asked what he wanted and he didn’t say anything. When I said it was time to go, Andy just started to cry. Then I looked out at the lake and saw a rowboat. So I said, “Andy do you want a go out on a rowboat.” He nodded and so we went over to the rental place and rented a rowboat. Andy was all smiles after that, but could he tell us that is what he wanted? Well no he couldn’t.”

How is that for weird – my mother’s been dead for five years and she’s still telling stories on me.

The really annoying thing about the story is that it is true. I remember standing on the lakeshore looking at the row boats going around the lake and it looked like fun. A lot of fun. I knew that my fourteen year old brother could row us around the lake, but I was afraid to ask. For reasons I still don’t completely understand I was paralyzed by fear – unable to say anything and when finally forced to leave the emotion broke through in tears. I was very lucky to have an understanding mother.

So about now you’re likely wondering what this is this all about? Well it goes like this: I sat down at the keyboard this evening and couldn’t think of a thing to write about so I asked Heather, “What should I write about?”

Her reply was, “I don’t know where this came from but the thought I had was, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Then I thought of being a lion and that day with the rowboat. It also brought to mind my career and so many things in my life. Some things I’ve missed because of indecision or failing to say what I want – well I’ve missed out on a lot of things.

Why do I have this problem? In part I believe it is just fear – fear picking the wrong thing, fear of failing at the thing I pick, fear of being rejected because of my choice (like wanting to be lion). Fear at so many levels.

I have missed many opportunities in my life because of giving into fear and not choosing or voicing my desires. But being aware of my tendencies I do, from time to time, make the effort and chose to do things I like, enjoy and value. I’ve been white-water rafting, I do my wood work, I write this blog and most importantly there was that day over 12 years ago that I plucked up my courage to ask Heather to be my wife.

That was a good choice and it’s made all the difference in my life.

Choosing what I want to do and be is still a work in progress for me but I do feel like I’ve made some progress.

and I still don’t see what’s wrong with wanting to be a lion.

Posted in General | Tagged choosing, May Lake, mother, what do you want to be when you grow up | 6 Comments

Not Christmas Yet

Posted on 11/25/2012 by Andrew Reynolds

Today I am writing because that is what I do on a Sunday afternoon – to maintain the discipline. I spent the 30 seconds between putting down my tea cup and opening an editor on my computer contemplating the wisdom I am about to impart. I’ve done the calculations and have concluded the following:

This year Thanksgiving was on the earliest possible date it can theoretically be.

Yes, Thanksgiving is always the fourth Thursday of the month and this year November 1st was a Thursday giving us five Thursdays in the month, putting Thanksgiving on the 22nd – the earliest it can possibly be.

Okay, I’ll admit that I really just looked that up on with a google search but the fact is the same this is an early Thanksgiving and it’s got my Christmas clock all screwed up. I love Christmas music and like to look at decorations but a little goes a long way so my personal rule has always been to wait until Thanksgiving weekend to start with the Christmas stuff.

But, on the 22nd of November? Please, that is pushing me a little too far.

Now don’t put me in the Scrooge category, but a little Christmas cheer is delightful while a lot of Christmas cheer will push me to the surly side of life. Two choruses of “Here Comes Santa Claus” is fun but by the 20th time I start to have violent thoughts about the CD player. Which is actually kind of strange because I’ve been known to listen to the same sea shanty CD in my car for six months without changing it.

Hum, need to think about that… Maybe if “Here Comes Santa Claus” was rewritten as a call and response shanty – you know something to pull heavy ropes to I’d have a better attitude towards the song.

Heather has agreed that it just feels too early for Christmas stuff so we’re waiting another weekend before we put any Christmas music on the CD, or start watching our Christmas movies. Plus we’ve delayed the annual decorating of the house until latter in the week when Heather’s son will be visiting – he loves Christmas and is still willing to do the heavy lifting – well basically he does the decorating while I sit around saying things like, “Good job,” “Want another drink?” or “A little to the left.” I am dead useful when it comes to decorating.

This last week, while avoiding Christmas we had a nice Thanksgiving diner at a restaurant with my family. I have some mixed feelings about going out to eat on Thanksgiving day. I do dislike all the work you have to do to fix a Thanksgiving meal but I do miss being in our home with family. Still we had a nice time and the only work I had to do was signing the check. Maybe next year I’ll do the cooking so we can all have a nice day in our home.

The laughing you hear is Heather reading that last line. (After reading this Heather wrote the following in her edits of this post, “I want the cleanup done by hubbie).

Also on the Christmas avoidance plan was seeing a movie – at a real movie theater. Heather and I love to go to the movies but seems like we only make one or two a year. This time we made the effort to see, “Lincoln.” It was a great film and I recommend you go see it. It gives the best interpretation of Lincoln that I’ve ever seen and rather than cramming his whole life into two hours the film just focuses on one event – the passage of the 13th amendment in the House of Representatives.

This is going to be a clock.

The parts left to cut on the clock.

Two more birds. We have five now.

That block of week I showed last week is a puzzle box. As soon as I figure out how to put it back together I’ll wrap it up.

With all the thinking of delaying Christmas, I’ve been spending a lot of time in my workshop making Christmas presents. My goal this last week has been to get enough stuff made to keep Heather busy in her paint shop. I’ve included a few pictures at the end of this post of works in progress.

If I really thought out why I’d like to delay Christmas it might really be because I am so far behind on my building. There are two deadlines for finishing. The 25th and the last day to mail. Half of the grandkids are on the other coast, while the other half we’ll be seeing for Christmas. Still it’s going to be a challenge and some of the gifts are getting a bit smaller and less detailed.

No matter how it works out I’ve been enjoying the work and have been finding myself spending more time thinking about how I am going to make a part, than what I am going to write in this blog.

As I complete gifts perhaps I’ll spend a little more time thinking about my writing. Who knows, next week I might spend a full minute thinking about what I am going to write.

Posted in General, Shanties, woodworking | Tagged Christmas, christmas cheer, Christmas gifts, holidays, scroll saw, sea shanty, Thanksgiving, woodworking | Comments Off

Thanksgiving

Posted on 11/18/2012 by Andrew Reynolds

Over the last week I’ve been seeing an increase in the number of posts by Facebook friends on things they are thankful for and thought I’d post my list here on my blog.

Here’s the list:

1. I am still alive

Yup that’s about it. How can I say this? After a doctor calls you on the phone to say, “You have cancer.” all the other things in your life get, as we say in the software business, “de-scoped.” After what I’ve been through this year, treatments, surgery, and related health issues still being alive is about the most important thing to me.

That does run a very close tie with being married to Heather, my best friend and soulmate. No, I didn’t list her as number one only because if I was dead I couldn’t be thankful for her so I guess I should modify the list:

1. I am still alive
2. Heather

Of course I should list that I am alive and still able to do things – like playing with the tools in my workshop and making things. As I mentioned last time, I am making my Christmas gifts this year. It’s taking a lot of time and in the last couple of days I’ve set off my tendonitis again (too much time at the scroll saw I think) so now I am having to slow down my pace or make simpler projects for people. If you end up with a photocopy of the thing I planned to make (with a promise to have it completed by summer) I hope you’ll be understanding.

In fact just sitting here writing the post I feel my elbow starting to ache and my forearm start to hurt a bit so I am making this week’s short. The only real thing that helps my tendonitis is rest, so I my choice is between my normal 850 words and an hour on the scroll saw.

That’s easy.

I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving and here are some pictures of my work in progress for you to enjoy until next time.