Andrew's View of the Week

The Cross Post

Posted on 04/22/2012 by Andrew Reynolds

I have an addiction – an obsession. I don’t know how it is going to affect my life or what impact it will have on my overall health but I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care any more. I just have to continue.

Yes, I am still working on this damn cross:

Progress on the cross

I figure I’ve got about eight hours of work left to finish the thing. Still can’t tell you exactly why I am drawn to this project but there is something there. It is there and it needs to be done that’s all I know for sure. As I move along with the cutting I discover little tricks that make the work go quicker – like the fact that the pattern repeats and that there are only really 5 or 6 basic shapes of holes. Learn to cut one and the next one is faster to cut. I’ve also learned that it is better to get a new sharp blade rather than to struggle along with a dull blade.

There is a life lesson there that I hope I don’t have to spell out…

As I cut, I do a lot of thinking about the cross as a symbol. It’s really an odd symbol for a church that is supposed to be about love and forgiveness. Think about it for a while – the cross is really an instrument of torture and death that the Romans used to keep the conquered in line. Rebelling against the Romans could find you hanging from one of these things. Even in recent American history finding a burning cross on your lawn was not a good thing.

I am sure that a theologian would talk about the cross as being a symbol of the “risen Lord” or of “Victor over the grave” or some such thing. I am sure I could write that speech but that isn’t the one that I think of while I am cutting.

What I keep coming back to is my basic belief that Jesus came here to be a role model. He came here to live for us the life that we are expected to live. By willingly going to the cross instead of other actions he could have taken, he showed us the path we are to follow. It is far too much to explain in this one little post, but in my view Jesus didn’t come to preach but rather to teach by example. He healed people, loved people, fed people – he showed us the kind of world it could be.

Perhaps I am just missing much of mainstream Christian thinking but for me it is not what will my life be after death, or whether or not I get into heaven. Rather it is about how I live here and now. It is my current behavior that concerns me.

Have I been loving to those around me? What have I done to feed the hungry? Have I been a healing presence? Have I been resisting evil?

Well, sometimes I just think too much but those are the kinds of thoughts I think while cutting.

And there is a question that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately while in front of the scroll saw. One that I directly related to this cancer thing in my body. It’s not a new or even an original question. I can’t recall where I heard it but I do wonder from time to time what happens if the cancer doesn’t get cured? Is it possible to be healed without being cured?

So much of this prostate cancer thing is emotional and mental. It changes how you think – what you find important. It’s not just because I now have something that could some day end my life but there are biochemical changes in the body that affect the mind. My recent depression is likely just due to chemical changes because of the disease and I’ve countered that with exercise and my meditations over this cross.

Body and spirit are both affected. Healing my body is something I go to the doctors for but my spirit is something I go to God for.

Posted in Prostate Cancer, Spirit, woodworking | Tagged cross, Prostate Cancer, scroll saw, spiritual, spirituality, woodworking | 4 Comments

3:39 AM

Posted on 04/15/2012 by Andrew Reynolds

Suddenly I am awake. I feel bile rising in my throat and the images of a nightmare start to fade as my eyes focus on the clock – 3:39 am. Sitting up quickly I feel sweat covering my fevered body as I take a ragged breath.

Heather lies beside me, breathing quietly and undisturbed by my sudden movements. In the dark I sense the cat walking up the bed, curious about what has brought me upright. There are no sounds and the only light is the dim candle light from the living room.

Our eternal flame. It burns day and night on the hearth. It is a symbol of hope and love – a constant reminder of God’s love and presence in this house.

What disturbed my mind?

A night terror? What demon touched my soul – what horror tried to intrude on my rest?

I try think about the terror I just woke from but the flickering light says not follow that horror – let it pass and be at peace. My body starts to cool. Spirit the cat puts her paws on my legs and starts to purr. Swallowing and taking a deep breath I scratch the kitty’s ears. Pushing my way back under the covers Heather must sense my presence and she moves closer putting her hand on my arm.

3:44 am was the time my brain recorded before sleep again took me.

Dawn came with clear skies and the promise of a glorious day.

————–

I had to write that. It’s been on my mind all day. 3:39 am. It won’t go away. I wanted to write about other things tonight. My granddaughter is visiting this week and that certainly would make more entertaining reading. I’ve got this really cool cross project in the shop and there is a ton of good theology and symbology to write about. The sermon today at church was on Thomas and I got a bunch of good material for the post I am working on for doubting Thomas. My health is better and I could write about all the things I am doing.

But there are ghosts that just won’t leave.

A reminder of that came in the mail this week from Kaiser.

June 28th, my post radiation follow-up with my urologist. It will be the PSA test that will tell if the treatment has started to work. It will be when I’ll have to face the demon of cancer again and all the doubts and fears will be there – have I chosen right? Did it work? Do I need more treatments? Will my time end sooner than I’d hoped?

During my waking hours I can suppress such thoughts. While the sun shines I can find hope. When the ocean winds blow I can set sail to adventures and life.

But the demons of fear and doubt are patient and chose their time to strike – often when I am weary or when my defenses all drop during sleep. Sleep, sweet rest.

sigh…

Today is a wonderful day. Yesterday was living life full – breakfast with family in San Francisco and time with our granddaughter at the Exploratorium. I love the Exploratorium – if you have a child you have to bring them here. You have to let them explore.

I remember when I was in my early twenties and my father and I had watched the documentary, “The Day After Trinity” about the creation of the first atomic bomb during WWII. Robert Oppenheimer was the major focus of the program and his brother, Frank Oppenheimer told many of the stories. The documentary was shown on the local PBS channel as a pledge fundraiser and at one point they mentioned that Frank Oppenheimer had founded the Exploratorium.

Well that was enough for dad and I – the next weekend we took BART into the city and got a bus out to the Exploratorium. We went through the whole place and had a day that he and I talked about until his death.

Now I have taken two grandchildren to see the place and many of the exhibits that my dad loved are still there. It’s wonderful to see a new generation take interest in the science that my father loved so much. It is a joy and soul lifter to see a child’s enthusiasm as they discover our world and begin to understand the physics that guides the falling of a feather.

As joyful as that is there is still a bit of bitter-sweet as I leave the Palace of Fine Arts. Memories of my father and as we look out from shore to San Francisco bay I see the place where the boat stopped and I committed my father’s ashes to the sea.

As the memories flood in a girl, stands next to me, points and says, “Look at the sail boats.”

In the midst of the new the old remains. In the midst of hope the demons try to bring despair.

Yes, there are sail boats. Look do you see the wind surfers too?

Posted in Prostate Cancer, Spirit, Travel | Tagged Exploratorium, Palace of Fine Arts, Prostate Cancer, spiritual | 3 Comments

Just Doing

Posted on 04/08/2012 by Andrew Reynolds

This last week has been one of those recovery weeks. There are lots of things flying around in my brain but none are really so well thought out that I am able to write them down yet. I’d like to steal a line from the “Big of Alcoholics Anonymous” and say that, “I claim progress, not perfection.”

There is a long story as to why I have that memorized but today isn’t the day to tell it.

Things are better this week and while depression still hangs out on the edges of my life it is not the center of it. I’ve been able to do things and feel better today. It’s hard to say exactly what that radiation does to the body and mind but this week I do feel that I am finally making progress towards recovering more of my spirit.

Something shifted this week and I’ve been sleeping better. Part of it is because the doctor adjusted the dose on the blood pressure medication and had me change the time of day I take it. The other change is that I’ve been able to exercise three mornings this week – 1.5 miles on the treadmill or about 40 minutes. It’s amazing what even that little bit of exercise can do for a person.

Today Heather and I finally were able to do a real hike. We went into the hills and did the 4.6 mile Peter’s Creek Trail loop. I was amazed that my body was able to do the distance and being in the woods with all creation around me was just plain good for the soul. Even if my feet hurt a bit and I’ve got a bit of headache going now. Hiking is one of those, “breathing in” things that just fills my soul and energizes my creativity.

On the creative front I’ve been doing an hour in the shop most nights. There is just something about creating with my hands that is soul satisfying, and this week I’ve been really getting a lot out of that. Mostly I’ve been working on the fretwork cross. The work is somewhat meditative and I’ve done a lot of reflecting on what the cross is and represents. The act of cutting out the fretwork is simple hand-eye coordination and to do it I have to shut off parts of my brain and just let my mind guide my hands as I push the lines into the path of the blade.

At a certain level it is painstaking work. The blade is thin – thinner than a pencil line. The pieces I am cutting out are smaller than my thumbnail. I have to use a magnifier to see the lines and blade to do the cut. And there are at least one hundred pieces to cut out (I don’t know for sure, I counted up to 75 once before I lost count about half way through).

I knew the project would be hard when I started, but I was attracted to that cross the moment I saw the pattern in issue #45 of Scroll Saw Woodworking and Crafts. The pattern was designed by Sue Mey. The picture in the magazine is just beautiful. It is the kind of work I’d like to be able to do. Perhaps it is a bit egotistical of me to think that I can cut the whole thing but something in me says I have to try.

If I don’t try it now, when?

That is the thought process that changes after cancer. I no longer have the luxury to think, “l’ll have time next year.” There is no telling what next year will bring. If the last treatment failed I’ll have do another something. I won’t know for awhile and that is more than a bit frustrating. It’s also among the hardest things to explain to people. A number of people stopped me after church this morning asking some version of, “how are you doing after treatment?” In my heart I knew that some wanted to hear the words, “Oh I am cured now.” But the answer they got was, “I won’t know for sure for at least a year and even then I can’t be sure if or when it will reoccur.”

So I’ve had to change my mindset and the time to try is now. The time to fill that dream is today. Tomorrow isn’t certain so I must live today.

and for the record, I’ve almost finished the Lego castle in the living room. Pictures next time.

Posted in Hiking, Prostate Cancer, Spirit, woodworking | Tagged exercise, Prostate Cancer, scroll saw | 1 Comment

Progress Pictures

Posted on 04/04/2012 by Andrew Reynolds

Just a quick post tonight. I’ve been working on two projects in the workshop. There is nothing like working with your hands to help your mind and spirit.

The fretwork cross project is progressing but it is taking a long time. It won’t be ready by Easter. It’s about 20% done. It does take a bit of concentration to do the cutting so I only work on it in for one to two CDs at a time – that is I listen to a sea shanty CD while I am cutting. So that’s about 45 to 90 minutes per session. I like to think of it as a mediation.

Current Progress on the fret work cross

The tray project is coming along too. The marquetry for the two rose trays is glued down. The next step is sanding and trimming to size. Heather has made me a pattern for the third tray.