Did I Write This?

Posted on 04/01/2012 by Andrew Reynolds

I started this blog a year ago during holy week as a bit of an experiment. Today is Palm Sunday so I thought I’d update you on how the experiment is going. It’s still an experiment without defined goals or end points. I only have one expectation and that is to write.

Today it is possible that the only important thing that comes out of this entry is that I have written something. I don’t feel inspired or energetic. I don’t have any grand insights or anything I want to preach to you about.

There have been more than a few good ideas in my head. Here are some of the better ones:

  • Palm Sunday and its spiritual significance in my life.
  • Why I’ve never read Moby Dick and what is stopping me.
  • A detailed analysis of Asimov’s Foundation Trilogy and how it impacted my life.
  • The scroll saw as a metaphor for living
  • Work as a prayer or how my spiritual discipline this week is cutting a fret-work cross on the scroll saw.
  • The post treatment depression experienced by 80% of all prostate cancer patients.

Did I just write that last sentence?

Let me check… Yup that was me.

There is the problem with cancer – it won’t go away. About ten days ago I wasn’t feeling well and decided to see my doctor. I had a number of little things out of sorts. Nothing big but just lots of little stuff and just having finished radiation treatments I naturally was concerned that I was about to die.

Okay, maybe not die, but I was concerned that I was still having some side effects. Of course the more emotional side of my brain was concerned that something cancer related was happening. My rational brain was trying to reassure me that it was likely just a needed adjustment in medications and perhaps a bit of stress from work.

So off to the doctor I go and it was all of the above – stress, the meds need a little tweak and how are you sleeping?

What? The question caught me off guard as I hadn’t been sleeping well, but just had chalked it up to work stress, worry about cancer, and not having anything good to write for this blog.

– insert very long pause, took 5 minutes for me to write the next line –

My doctor got very concerned about my sleep and then mentioned the word, “depressed.” I recall this very kind but firm little lecture on how depression is a real medical condition that causes both physical and mental symptoms. I wish I could remember it all because it was a very good description filled with good advice. Some of which I’ve actually done – okay I sent her a follow-up email just to make sure I am doing everything she told me. I do recall someplace in her conversation that she said, “80% of all post radiation patients get some form of depression and it really takes six months to fully recover from the radiation.”

So here I sit thinking about it and it’s enough to make you depressed. I mean really – I just finished dealing with cancer and now you want me to deal with being depressed!

The thing that really gets to me is that my doctor is likely right and I am not as close to being recovered as I’d like. If I were to be honest I’ll admit to a certain level of depression, possibly even clinical depression. I’ll admit to not feeling well and I’ll admit that it’s hard to gather much enthusiasm about – well anything.

All I will claim today is that I have written, and that I’ve done my best to follow the doctor’s advice. I’ve been exercising and working in my shop. I’ve finished the taxes and sent it to the CPA (a minor stress point during the last week). My job has become a little less stressful and I am building a Lego castle in the living room.

This week is about readjusting my expectations for recovery. The radiation has stopped but the damage to my body, mind and soul remains.

Posted in Health, Prostate Cancer, Spirit | Tagged , , , , , | 7 Comments

My Third Greatest Fear

Posted on 03/25/2012 by Andrew Reynolds

My third greatest fear has come true.  It finally happened in all its horror.  I’ve been dreading the day this might happen and had hoped to avoid it, but it happened.

Yes friends, my barber retired.

LeeRoy is no longer cutting hair.  His health finally gave out (he’s in his 80’s) and the note on the door says he’s done cutting hair.  It is to be expected, I guess, but how am I going to get my hair cut now?  I don’t know any other barbers.  I am not even sure that there are other barbers in my town.  There must be, but I don’t know for sure.

It’s a source of anxiety for me.  Really.  Oh sure, you’re thinking, just get a new barber.  Easy for you to say, but I generally don’t go around just asking strange barbers to cut my hair.

LeeRoy is the only barber whose ever cut my hair.  Really. Honest. He’s the first barber I remember.  He has been in the same little shop for over 50 years.  I remember as a boy my mother giving me two dollars and peddling my bicycle over to LeeRoy’s. He’d cut my hair and he’d give a piece of bubblegum – bazooka bubblegum.

In all the craziness of my life LeeRoy has been a constant.  If I needed a hair cut I could drive to his shop, sit in the chair and he’d cut my hair.  He’d ask me about my job, my family and as I we got older we’d reminisce about past days.  I think we always had the same conversation, “How’s Rick? How’s Billy? Where are you working?”  The last question was because to him it seemed like I was getting a new job every five minutes – I average two years per job. Over the 32 years of my high-tech career that’s 16 different jobs – it’s no wonder he couldn’t keep up.

I never had to tell him how I wanted my hair cut.  I’ve only ever had one style and I trusted LeeRoy to remember what it was.  It’s a good style and fits me.  I see no reason to change.

But, now me and my hair are lost.  What shall I do?  Do I risk having someone else cut it? What if they get it wrong?  I’ve thought of just shaving it all off – kind of a mourning ritual to mourn the passing of a great barber.  Perhaps I’ll just let it grow long, braid it and become a middle-aged hippie.  I’ll wear love beads and a peace sign but I draw the line at any tattoos or body piercings.

Well, I guess I could find another barber but I don’t really know how.  I mean what would I say to a new barber?  And what about the question, “How would you like your hair cut?”  What!?!  I have no idea – maybe they could call LeeRoy.  And what would happen if I accidentally called the new barber “LeeRoy” in the middle of a hair cut – that could be bad.

After his long years in his shop I know that LeeRoy deserves a rest, but part of me is sad because I know he is one of those people who wouldn’t want to retire.  He is the kind of man who would rather die on the job with his clippers in his hand.  He must be very ill to be forced to quit.  That alone is sad and makes my problem seem small.

Posted in General, Spirit | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Today

Posted on 03/19/2012 by Andrew Reynolds

Again it is hard to avoid my inner Eeyore and just launch in to a long complaint about – well anything and everything. Frankly there are times when life just sucks, but I am going to try to fight that urge and just look at the good things that have happened. I am still recovering a bit from the radiation treatments. My body and energy level are doing fine, well almost fine – I think my blood pressure (BP) is changing and I need to adjust my meds, again (that’s just the fun of BP). My mind and soul still need more healing. It is my spirit that I struggle with the most – it just feels like it is pointing to empty. Okay, it’s not at empty but it is less than 1/4 of a tank.

It would be great if I had something really wise to say at this point, but I don’t. What I can say about my empty tank is that I am doing things to try to fill it up. I had thought that my little, “intertext” project might help fill my soul, but I still can’t get past Asimov. I should give up on him but there is something there that is bothering me so I’ll just slow down until I figure it out. I have managed to get into the last book of the Foundation trilogy and hope by the end that I’ve come to some conclusion. I have added a few more notes to my influence list (see the Intertextual Andrew tab at the top of the page).

Today is a great day because I finally got it! I found THE CD, THE music that I lost 12 years ago. THE music that I just loved: “Music and Poetry of the Kesh” Music by Todd Barton with the words by Ursula K. Le Guin. Yes, I know you have no idea what the heck I am talking about. But DUDES I GOT THE CD!!! Yes it is odd music from a time in the future that has not yet as been found. It is the music of an ancient future group of people who live in and around the area we would call Napa or perhaps Santa Rosa. The music is a companion piece to Le Guin’s great book, “Always Coming Home.” That book and music have been an influence on my writing style, tastes and desires, since I first read the book. I’ll write more about that book in another post.

Speaking of other posts, I wrote a guest post for the HealingWell blog and it was published last week at: http://blog.healingwell.com/2012/03/guest-post-just-live.html Check it out. It is quite the boost to my ego to have someone else publish my writing.

The other thing I’ve been doing to try to fill my soul is working on my creative projects. There is a both a power and a comfort in creating. This weekend I made some progress on the serving trays. I glued the marquetry down for two of the trays. Here are a couple of pictures of the progress. Heather started the design for third tray – it will be birds over a beach. I hope to cut the marquetry for that next week.

 

Rose in the tray

This is a test fit to see what it will look like when done.

Rose Close Up

A close up picture of the rose marquetry

Well, I had to stop writing there for a minute (5 minutes actually). I am listening to the Kesh music while writing and got the “long sing” track and had to listen to the whole thing. Very healing – can’t explain, you had to be there.

There is something healing in both music and in the act of building with your hands. It is in the act of creating that my soul finds it’s rest and its energy. To fill the soul, I find that I have to fill my mind with music, and my hands with tools.
I’ve been having trouble finding something or explore for the Lent season that is really spiritual or “church like.” At first I thought that thing would be my intertext project but then that isn’t related to Lent – it is related to my cancer and my life. That is not defined by the calendar and cannot be contained to this one period of time, but I have found another project. It is this:

Cross

The cross pattern glued down to the wood.

 

 

Fretwork

A close up of the fretwork for the cross. The area shown is about 3 inches wide.

I found the pattern in the Scroll Sawer magazine. Yes, it is a cross. The little cutouts are called ‘fretwork’ and I am cutting it out on my scroll saw. There are over a hundred to cut. It is detailed work and I have to use a magnify lens to see the detail. The work requires focusing my mind on the line and move the work through the moving blade to cut the line. My mind has to see where the line is going, anticipating when my hands have to turn the wood and while the blade moves and the line is cut my mind is free from worries and cares. While I cut my mind can let down its burdens as it takes in the shape of the thing that is being created.

This has become my Lenten project, my study, my task, my prayer and I find it is enough.

Posted in General, Marquetry, Spirit, woodworking | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Just a Week

Posted on 03/11/2012 by Andrew Reynolds

This last week hasn’t been the most exciting week I’ve ever had but at the end of it I am still alive. The week hasn’t exactly gone as I’d planned. Work has been extra specially stressful this week and I had to take my older brother to the doctor. I had visions of starting my exercise program and getting my taxes ready for my accountant – hasn’t happened.

I’ve also been trying to work on my “intertext” project and I’ve managed to add a couple of lines to my influence listings but otherwise, nothing. I was rereading Asimov’s “Foundation” books with hopes of finding a great insight – even started writing a post on the subject – but I ran out of energy and read “Pegasus Bridge” by Stephen Ambrose instead. Good book, it didn’t help me get any closer to my lent goal of “inner reflection,” but it did provide a common interest for me and a co-worker to talk about during a lunch break.

This morning in church I found myself strangely soul weary. It was a good service but nothing in the exercise seem to give me energy and I left wondering why I don’t feel really excited or energized to go do ‘great’ things.

I don’t want to to start dragging everybody down with my woes – which I easily could. Turns out I am really good at telling how bad my life is (I’ve got at least three things on my plate right now I could spin a woeful tale about). But I am going to force myself away from all that and try to ignore my inner “Eeyore” and just focus on the really good day I had this week.

Yesterday, Heather and I went to a marquetry class run by the president of our local club. It was at his shop (that I just envy) – this man has just about every tool a wood worker could want and has more space in his shop than I have in my house. He is very generous with his time and knowledge and we had a great day.

The class was creating marquetry using the pad method. Exactly how it is done is the subject of a different post and requires pictures. Basically it is stacking a bunch of veneers together into a thick pad and cutting them all at once. Then you pick through the pieces to create your picture.

Heather and I are making a set of three serving trays with marquetry. Two of the trays will have roses and one will be a bird. This was the third class session with the club on this. The first time we cut the basic tray. The second class I cut the sides out of walnut and mahogany. Yesterday was about getting the picture cut into the background. There is still a lot of work to do but that will be fun.

I find the whole process interesting, exciting and fun. When we finish the trays we’ll have three objects that we created ourselves. It is in the learning and the creating that I am finding renewal and hope. I don’t have the words to say it right, but here is something that I’ve never been able to do before, that with help from friends I will be able to do. A new skill – a new thing I can create.

I am also found the process rewarding because it was something that Heather and I can do together. Each of us brings something different to the project and together we’re able to make something better that one of us could alone. Turns out I am better at the scroll saw but Heather has a better eye for design and did the sand shading far better than I ever could. By the end of the day we had two roses cut and ready for gluing – something we couldn’t have done on our own.

It is all part of a notion that has been in my head for awhile – it is in creating that we find the source of our spirit and the energy to renew our soul.

Until the next post, I’ll be in the shop – creating something.

Posted in General, Marquetry, Spirit, woodworking | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments