Friday Wisdom – In the Wood Shop

Posted on 02/24/2023 by Andrew Reynolds

I checked and I started this Friday Wisdom stuff in 2016 and this will be my 327th post. I was going to make a list of all the subjects I’ve used, but at 326 that all of a sudden sounded like work. Instead, I was thinking about my woodworking so here’s what I know about that:

Did you hear that the Hulk decided to open a woodworking business? It’s named, “Bruce’s Banisters.”

How do you become a good woodworker, just work at it whittle by whittle.

I asked a lumberjack how much wood he’s chopped and he said, “Not sure, let me check the logs.”

My mother’s sister is a woodworker. She’s a carpenter aunt.

If you don’t think money grows on trees, you haven’t bought lumber recently …

Be careful, home repair can lead to addiction, because you’re always look for your next fix.

I’m working on an “under construction” joke, but it’s not done yet.

It’s never a mistake, just an artistic interpertation.

In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

Every woodworker really needs a wood stove.

Measure twice, cut once, fill, sand, fill, …

Measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk, cut with an axe.

Did you hear about the blind woodworker who picked up his hammer and saw?

Posted in woodworking | Tagged , , | 17 Comments

Wednesday Writing

Posted on 02/22/2023 by Andrew Reynolds

It’s time for the monthly church writing group and our prompt is: Write a Letter. It could be a letter to a grandchild, your past self, your future self, a child, or something like that. I have to say I struggled with this one, but last night it started to snow, again. I am so done with snow so I wrote at letter to the snow:

February 21, 2023

Dear Snow,

We’ve had our good times haven’t we? I remember first meeting you when I as just a boy scout and my whole troop came up one December to see you and play at your house.  We built a fort out of you and then made a huge snow man.  I still laugh thinking about Jimmy and Dave jumping in a large snow bank only to discover it was the scout master’s car covered in snow.  

Remember the snow ball fight?  I won because you showed me how to make snow balls faster than any of the other boys.  It was wonderful, the grey skies, gently falling white flakes, and the whole world covered in a giant wooly white blanket.  It was a magical world and I was so glad to meet you, even though I never understood why you wouldn’t come inside and sit next to the fire with us.  You just cried when I asked. Still, I just loved you.

We had some good times.  That skiing weekend.  That was when I learned about all the different sides of you, times when you’re soft and powdery, and when you’re solid and unmoving.  I don’t remember what I said that turned you into ice.  I told you I’d return, but you said you couldn’t wait and cried like a river.  My heart ached because I loved you so much.

I told you that my job took me to warm places and that I’d come and visit when I could.  You could never compromise on that.  I bought that large walk-in freezer so we could be together always, but you just said no.  I would have bought the emergency generator so the freezer would always be cold, but you just wouldn’t take the risk.  I don’t think I was asking too much – it would have only been for a few months of the year.

After that you just became vengeful.  I tried driving to your mountain home, but you just blocked the road and made it impossible.  I didn’t want to use the snow plow, but what choice did you leave me?  I was afraid you’d lose control and really physically hurt me.

But this is just the last straw.  I moved here to your mountains and can see your beauty covering the landscape with that gentle white blanket of yours.  You have come to my house, covered my yard with your silence and turned the trees into a winter wonderland.

But no matter how often I ask, you just won’t stop blocking the driveway and roads.  I’ve had to shovel you out of the way so I could just get my mail. You’ve even held my trash can shut so tightly I couldn’t throw out the garbage. It feels like you’re trying to suffocate me, to keep me from seeing my friends or just even going to get food.  I know you’ve never really understood the need I have for food, but you’ve never even really tried to understand me, have you? You just want me to become just like you, but I can’t.  I can’t go that far.

I really thought we could find a way, but I just can’t change that much and I know it’s wrong to try and change you.  

So I’m afraid that I have to tell you, we’re done.  We can’t be together any more.

It’s me, not you, I just can’t.

With all my regret,

Andrew

Posted in Writing | Tagged , , , | 27 Comments

As The Pizza Cooks – Episode 10

Posted on 02/19/2023 by Andrew Reynolds

Sunset: 5:40 (getting close to 6)

Pizza: Cauliflower crust combo

Question: Is it legal to have pepperoni on a cauliflower crust pizza?

One of the problems with these “As The Pizza Cooks” posts is that when I sit down to write, while the pizza is in the oven, the two strongest thoughts in my mind are: “Is the pizza ready?” and “Have I burnt the pizza?”  It can be really hard to think of anything else.

There are priorities in life.

Normally it takes me days to think up something interesting to write. This whole, “I’ll write while the pizza cooks”, sounds like a great idea and a good way to practice my writing skills, but in practice it’s not what I expected it to be.  Turns out my brain just keeps recycling the same thoughts over and over and the originality detectors in my brain often say, “You wrote about that last week.”  I’d like to be original here and not repeat myself too much, but …

wait a second …

No the oven isn’t up to temperature yet.  Now where was I?

You must know how it is with us older guys – we tell the same story over and over again.  That’s fine when your with family and you’re the one paying for dinner, but how many of you would keep reading my blog if I kept posting the same story every week.

My dear old daddy (and he liked being called my dear old daddy) used to tell me, “Don’t get new jokes, get new audiences.”  Sure, but after awhile you do run out of people to listen and with that comes this great inner urge to not repeat one’s self.  Maybe you don’t agree, but that’s how I’m feeling at the moment.

Hold on, I’ve got to go put the pizza in the oven — I’ll be back in a few minutes … it’s a long walk to the kitchen.  Yes, it’s a big house and my writing desk is as far away from the oven as you can get here.

I’m back.

I’m only 10 posts into this whole pizza thing and I’m already feeling like I’m running out of things to say.  That’s not really true, I have a lot say, but I just can’t think of it while I have the stress of not burning the pizza and the kitchen being in the next county …

So I’ve been thinking that what I need to do is to have a list of subjects I can write about already to go before I start cooking the pizza.  That way, I don’t have to worry about what to write about.  Yup, just look at the top of the list and we’re off.  Then I had this other idea.

Hear me out, this might be good or at least take me three minutes to type.  Recently I paid for a one year subscription to Spotify.  I’ve been using Spotify for awhile for creating play lists of songs that I listen to while writing or doing woodwork, but the nearly constant commercials started to drive me crazy so for my birthday I paid the subscription.  The other day I was working on some poetry and “Sound of Silence” started up.  Now I love that song.  Its poetry is powerful and inspires me so naturally I thought, “That would make a great As The Pizza Cooks post.”

But then, part of my brain said, “No that’s not a pizza post, but a As The Music Plays, post.”  I’ve got nearly 30 songs in my play list, so there’s 30 posts without even thinking about it.

Then I thought, you know there is a prototype here: “As The [noun] [verb] post”.  No reason to stay with music or pizza, we could have, As The Poet Speaks, As The Tires Turn, As The Boots Walk, etc …

I know, brilliant, right?  This will take some time to setup as I’m not the best at planning but it could work.

I’d like to discuss this further with you, but the timer went three minutes ago and I think I’ve now burnt the pizza.

Posted in As The Pizza Cooks | Tagged , , | 24 Comments

Friday Wisdom – Lunch

Posted on 02/17/2023 by Andrew Reynolds

I’ve been doing these Friday Wisdom things for a few years now and after all that time the most difficult thing is to come up with a topic each week. While it seems like I have a endless number of funnies, I am starting to realize that I’m repeating myself more often. Also, “Friday Wisdom” is starting to become the only post I do in a week. I’m thinking of making some changes in how I blog. If you have any suggestions for me, let me know in the comments. After 12 years of blogging, it feels like time to do some changing. Today I am going out to lunch so here’s everything I know about lunch:

When you come to a fork in the road. Just stop and have lunch.

I invited a snowman to lunch. We had ice burg-ers.

I read that smoking will kill, that bacon will kill you, but smoking bacon will cure it …

I entered what I ate for lunch into my fitness app – it dialed 911 on me.

I just burned 2,000 calories. Never take a nap while you brownies in the oven.

A preacher was being chased by a grizzly bear in the woods. The preacher started to pray saying, “God, turn this bear into a Christian.” Instantly the bear fell on its knee, put its paws together and said, “Dear God, for the food I’m about to eat …”

I wanted to surprise my wife by cooking lunch for her, but the smoke alarm ruined the surprise.

I went to the store and asked for a large fish. The man at the counter said, “Sure, won’t be long.” I said, “well it had better be wide.”

I’ll tell you what’s hard to beat: Hard boiled eggs.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I’m only here because of autocorrect.”

My banker always eats lunch by himself. Well, he is a loaner …

Did you know that ducks eat lunch? Usually just soup and quackers.

Posted in wisdom | Tagged , , | 23 Comments