Friday Wisdom – Violins

In my last essay, I mention that I used to play the violin when I was in school. Got a few comments and a good joke about that so here’s everything I know about violins:

How many first violinists are needed to change a light bulb? Just one, they hold it and the world revolves around them.

So how many second violinists are needed to change a light bulb? It doesn’t get changed, they can get up that high.

How does the conductor know when your violin is out of tune? Your bow is moving.

I discovered the difference between a cat and student violinist: It’s easier to teach a cat to stop scratching.

Turns out there is a difference between a violinist and a dog – a dog can hear high pitches.

Why is a bolt of lightning like a violinist’s fingers? Both are supper fast and neither hit the same place twice.

What does computer programing and playing violins have in common? Both look easy until you try to do it.

What do you call a violinist with a mortgage? An optimist.

What’s the major difference between a pizza and a violinist? A pizza will feed a family of four.

Did you hear about the violinist who got a membership for the gym? Yup, she wanted to be as fit as a fiddle.

I decided to start playing the violin again and my neighbor loves it. At least I assume he’s throwing rocks through my windows to hear me better.

I took my grand daughter to buy a violin and the shop assistant said, “Do you want a bow as well?” My grand daughter said, “No, don’t wrap it.”

Never hit someone with a violin – violins is not the answer.

After my hand surgery my doctor said that I’d be able to play the violin. I said, “That’s great, I never could before.”

I could go on forever, violins just string one joke after another …

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Wednesday Working – Shed and Deck Box

Well, just some pictures today. We got the shelves and counter in Heather’s shed and she’s finished setting it. Here’s what it looks like:

The potting bench and her pegboard for tools.

We put in some shelves and a cart.

And, yes here is Heather’s art setup. She does both oil and water colors on this.

I started a new project – a deck box to hold the cushions for out patio furniture. This box is being made from materials salvaged from the shed I took down in the spring. The main box is done and just needs a lid. Here’s what I have right now:

This is 4′ by 2′ and 2.5′ tall. It will get a coat of paint.

Part of the stack of cushions that need a winter home.

It’s been a fun project, but working with used wood and siding can be a pain as much of it is unusable and there’s a lot that just has to be trashed.

That’s it for this week. If you need me, I’ll be in the shop.

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500 Miles

It’s about a 260 miles one way to San Jose to see my brother and on a good day it takes about five hours with stops for coffee and restrooms.  My car gets good milage and has one of those fancy instant MPG gages built into the dashboard display.  It also shows you about how many miles you can go on the gas in your tank.  Normally I fill up the car the night before so I can make an early start.  It’s not very accurate but it’s there to look at.  Most times after a fill up it reads 460 miles.  

Last month after I filled up the tank the miles to go meter read, 500 miles.  Which of course put the song, “500 miles Away From Home” in my head.

“Five hundred miles, five hundred miles …”. Here’s a link to Peter, Paul and Mary singing it:

500 Miles Away From Home

The song has been kind of stuck in my mind ever since.  Like many songs, I couldn’t remember all the lyrics so naturally I found it on YouTube and played it a few times.  While I grew up in the 60’s when the song was written and I’m sure I heard it then, my biggest memory of it is from the 90’s when I bought a few Kingston Trio CDs.  Actually I prefer the Peter, Paul and Mary version. 

The song is a lament about a person who is dead broke and feels they can’t go home.  It is also a traveling song with a haunting melody and the kind of melancholy that you can get on a long solo car journey.  The lyrics just push the singer farther and farther from home as in the lines, “Lord I’m one, Lord I’m two, Lord I’m three, Lord I’m four / Lord I’m five hundred miles from my home”

Many artists have recorded it.  Joan Baez, the Kingston Trio, and Peter, Paul and Mary are some of the more well know artists.  The song was written by the folk singer Hedy West around 1962 and is her most famous song.

It’s the kind of song that gets stuck in your head.

I found it curious that my car gauge said 500 miles left and that the round trip to San Jose is just over 500 miles (more like 540 miles if you include the miles I drive in the city when I get there).   Coincidence, maybe, but after the trip I thought I’d do a little more research on it.

Naturally this led me to another 60’s song, “Early Morning Rain.” Written by Gordon Lightfoot in ’66 it’s another kind of lament song and was recorded by a number of artists.  Here’s one of my favorite versions again by Peter, Paul and Mary:

Early Morning Rain

I’m going to blame Spotify for reminding me of this song.  I was working in my shop and put Spotify on to listen to some music while I worked.  In the search I put in 500 miles and I got the Peter, Paul and Mary version and then right after Spotify started playing “In the early morning rain … “  I have to say that Spotify gets some interesting ideas when I comes to what to play because right after “Early Morning Rain,” Spotify started playing Marty Robins songs starting with “El Paso.”  Not sure how it got from folk to western, but it did.

I did listen to the Gordon Lightfoot version – it’s okay, but it’s much better with the harmonies of Peter, Paul and Mary.  It’s one of those songs that has a nice melody, is easy to listen to, and one can like – until you actually listen to the lyrics.

Basically the song is about a guy who got so drunk the night before that he’s lying on the grass near an airport and only has a dollar left after being with an unknown number of women.  He can’t afford a plane ticket so he talks about jumping on a freight train.  This song does have a really great line that I wish I would have written when describing where the singer is by saying, “And, I’m stuck here in the grass where the pavement never grows.”  I guess I’ve never been that drunk.

Naturally these two songs got me thinking about Roger Miller’s classic, “King Of The Road,” that strange song about a hobo riding the rails.  I remember the song from junior high school and I still get annoyed by it.  Here’s a link so we both can be annoyed:

King of the Road

Yeah, it was a big hit and tons of people liked it and lots of artists recorded it.

But I had to play it on the violin as part of the Junior High School Band’s Christmas concert.  Yes, it was played at a Christmas concert and yes, I played violin in the school band, not orchestra, the band, right next to the trumpets and sax player (we only had one sax player).

Turns out our music teacher just loved the tune and we did it as an instrumental to avoid explaining why 12 year olds were singing songs about hobos.  Also we were a small music class and didn’t have enough musicians to form an orchestra.  There was this strange distribution of instruments as well in our class something like, 4 violins, 3 trumpets, two drummers, a cello, sax, two flutes, couple of trombone players and for reasons I never understood, a viola … it was an odd mix with about thirty of us all together.

Our music teacher learned music during the big band era and was forever trying to get us to play that.  Well, he did his best and told us the best we could for the Christmas show was to form us up as a band as we had more brass than strings, and do some our parents would like.  “King of the Road,” was picked because he liked it and he said our parents would have heard it.  If you note in Roger Miller version, there is no brass, violins or other wind instruments, but our fearless teacher found an instrumental arrangement of the song that included brass and winds.  We violin players got the flute parts to play, the cello player got the chance to switch to a bass violin and I don’t remember what the viola player did.

Well, that’s not completely true, I do know that the girl who played the viola transferred to another school that had a real orchestra.  Likely she went on to play for the New York Philharmonic or something.

Me, I quit the violin the next year and focused on shop classes until high school.

Which was for the best – turns out I’m better on the table saw than sawing on a violin.

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Friday Wisdom – Bike Riding

I was going to post wisdom about poets, but I took a bike ride today that was far more interesting. A few weeks ago I bought a bike rack for the car so Heather and I could go interesting places to ride our bikes. Today was a test drive for the rack and bike path we’ve been driving past for years. It was a nice ride until I fell off the bike. Don’t panic, the biggest injury was to my pride – the bike wasn’t hurt and the rack worked just fine to get us home. Well, here’s what I know about bikes:

I went to my neighbor to tell her that her dog has been chasing people on a bike. She said, that’s a lie – her dog doesn’t own a bike.

I think my bike needs a new chain – anyone have any links?

Years ago my grandson was praying loudly saying, “God please send me a new bike!” I said that God isn’t hard of hearing, to which he replied, “Yes, but grandma is.”

Recently I was offered a job at a bike factory. They want me to be their spokesman.

Just found out that the difference between a well dress man on a unicycle and poorly dressed man on a bicycle is … attire.

My bike keeps falling over – I think it’s two-tired.

I saw a lady on a bike and yelled “COW!!!”. She looked at me, flipped me off and ran right into the cow.

If you cross a bike with a flower, you’ll get some cycle pedals.

Just read a news story about a vampire bicycle that’s going around biting people – it’s a vicious cycle.

My bank manager had to give up riding a bike. He kept loosing his balance.

What is a professional cyclist who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.

What does the baby bicycle call his dad? Pop-cycle.

I was going to try out a unicycle, but I’m two tired.

okay, okay, I’ll admit it – my bicycle puns can get tire-some.

First my bike chain started to rust, then my whole bicycle fell apart. I think it was a chain reaction.

Want some more cycling jokes or do you need a brake?

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