I’m Here

“I’m here.” That’s one of the many answers I give when someone asks me, “How are you?”

Sometimes I’ll say, “I’m here,” or “I showed up,” or sometimes, “Yes I am.”  Sometimes I will say, “fine,” “well,” or even “good.”  From time to time I’ve been known to answer, “I’m so damn good I don’t know what to do with myself,” or “If I was any better, they’d arrest me.”

Most times I just want credit for showing up.

You’ve heard the quote, “Showing up is 80 percent of life.”  Most often it’s attributed to Woody Allen, but it’s similar to a remark made by Thomas Edison when he said, “90 percent of business is perspiration”.  Based on my limited research a variant uses the word “success” instead of “life”.  Possibly a William Safire contributed to some of this.  Other sources suggest that the percentage might be as low as 50 or as high as 90.

For the record, I don’t like Woody Allen movies, but I do like lightbulbs which Edison has something to do with (possibly he stole the whole thing from an underpaid assistant).

But I digress.  Well, most of my writing and indeed most of my basic research is a digression.

Still, showing up counts for something.  I showed up to write this post – don’t get your hopes too high.

So the question, “How are you?” is really not what you’re being asked.  If you really study why people ask the question, the conclusion you come to is that the person asking is really saying, “I don’t know what to say, but wanted to have a conversation, so I’ll just say this mindless phrase instead of something well thought out.”

The expected answer is “Fine,” or “Great,” and starting a completely unrelated conversation that will relieve the questioner of the embarrassment of not knowing what to say in the first place.

Back when I was having radiation treatments for cancer, people would ask me, “How are you?” and really expected an answer that included detailed medical information and treatment status.  I found that to be a burden and didn’t want to tell people, “You know, I am sick and tired of living just for my treatments.  There is more to me than having a radiation beam pointed at me everyday.  Give me some peace and don’t ask.”

I’m far too polite to do that so I rely on humor instead.  “I’m here,” confused people and in time becomes a code phrase for, “Don’t want to talk about it.”  In the last few years the code has changed more to, “You need to find a better way to start a conversation.”

One time a close friend of mine replied to my, “I’m here,” with, “Glad you’re not dead.”  Which was kind of him.

This whole post was started by me thinking about the sense of place in writing and even in our lives.  I was thinking about how where we are and where we’ve lived influences who we are.  I was thinking about how writers create a place for their stories and how that knowledge of the place works to create meaning in the story.  Read John Steinbeck and you know you’re in California’s Salinas Valley, Eudora Welty puts you in the American South.  Pickup A.A. Milne and you’re with Winnie the Pooh and friends in the Hundred Acre Wood.

It’s something that is unclear for me.  I tried to write about it before, but the words didn’t hit the page right so I decided to start again. I was also reminded of semiotics.  Unless you’ve studied language, likely you’ve not encountered semiotics.  It’s the study of signs and symbols and how we find meaning in them.

If I write the symbols, “DOG” an image is formed in your mind and if I have the same image, we’ve communicated – shared a meaning, understand the same thing.  “DOG” means the four legged pet.  It got that meaning because we all agreed it meant that and we can now use that to exchange information, ideas, meanings …

The phrase “How are you?” is a code or in semiotic terms you could call it a signifier that means something to people in our culture using our language.  The code is also an expectation that the response is a variation of, “fine,” followed by conversation.

So this week I started out thinking about the sense of place and what that means. Which reminded me of the study of semiotics, structuralism and post-structuralism and reminded me of the many implied meanings in the words, symbols, and icons of our world.

It also reminded me how sometimes we just miss the real meaning so, ask me how I am and I’ll remind you that I am right in front of you.

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Friday Wisdom – English

English language is weird. You’ve likely see the coffee mug saying:

“i before e — Except when your foreign neighbor Keith received eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird.”

You can buy the mug and teeshirt – it’s only a google away. Other interesting things:

You fill in a form by filling it out.

The startled dove dove into a bush.

I was given a gift – I did not object to the object.

The farmer worked the land to produce produce.

Boxing rings are square.

Noses run. Feet smell.

You recite at a play, but play at a recital.

Ships transport cargo but trucks deliver shipments.

Pineapples have neither pine nor apples.

Wise man and wise guy mean different things.

Interestingly, fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing.

The plural of tooth is teeth. Shouldn’t the plural of booth be beeth?

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Friday Wisdom – Dentist

This week I broke a tooth and am now scheduled to get a crown. Sadly, now a crown I can wear on my head – just one of those tiny ones they put on teeth that no one wants to look at. So that means I get to tell you everything I know about dentists …

I knew a dentist who didn’t like tea so we just called him Denis.

I read about the dentist of the year award. The winner got a little plaque.

My father always referred to the dentist’s office as the “Filling Station.”

Sad news about the Tooth Fairy. She had to go to counseling because she stopped believing in herself.

According to a recent study, most people call the dentist at tooth-hurty p.m.

I had to take my cellphone to the dentist. Well, it had bluetooth.

My dentist told me that I need to put my money where my mouth is.

At first I didn’t like my dentist when she said I needed a root canal, but during the procedure she made a good impression.

My dentist started his career in the Army. Yup, he was a drill sergeant.

They don’t call them x-rays any more – nope, they’re now know as tooth-pics.

I didn’t realize that my friend had a false tooth until it came out in conversation.

I have my dentist appointment for next week, but it’s okay – I know the drill.

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A Name by Any Other Rose

I have a name. There’s not much to say about about the name Andrew, so this will be short.

I didn’t start out as “Andrew.” Growing up my family called me, Andy.  I was Andy for a long time.  In grade school I learned that I actually had three names, Andrew John Reynolds and that Andy was just a nickname, a diminutive, and something I could actually spell as a six year old.  “Andrew” is a long word when you’re six.  I took me a long time to learn to spell Reynolds and fortunately these days my web browser’s autofill feature means that I no longer have to be embarrassed by misspelling my own name.

I’m a bad speller – always have been.  Spelling rules never made sense to me and brute force memorization didn’t help.  Likely the most embarrassing event in my fourth grade year was the first day of class when the teacher had us make name tags for our desks.  We were to carefully write our names on the card stock we were given and then bring it up to the teacher for approval and a piece of tape to secure it to our desk.  She corrected a few of wise guys who just wanted to use a nickname or the kid who insisted that his name was really Spiderman.

Me? Well she quietly said, “You’ve misspelled your last name.” I was sent back to my desk with a blank name tag and my name correctly spelled on a bit of note paper. Years of therapy haven’t erased that badge of shame.  I still cringe when asked to write my name.

My grandfather was also an Andy.  I knew him as Grandpa Phillips and the man who’d give a five year old a full roll of peppermint lifesavers.  Sadly he died when I was nine and I didn’t get another full roll of peppermint lifesavers until I was 12 when I landed a lawn mowing job with my elderly next door neighbor and could afford to buy my own.

Early in life, my father confirmed that I was in fact named after my grandfather.  Father said that mother wanted to name me John Andrew, but father didn’t want a son whose initials were, “JAR,” so I became, Andrew John Reynolds.  Father was greatly satisfied with this as it would be a good business name and gave me a lot of options I could use when I became a major force in the business world.  I could be Andrew Reynolds, Andrew J. Reynolds, A.J. Reynolds, A. John Reynolds or even the simple friendly Andy Reynolds. 

It was shortly after my father first told this story that I decided to learn how to spell my full name. “Andrew” wasn’t too bad as it’s phonetic, but the “H” in John constantly confused me – before the n or after?  It was only as an adult that I learn some “Johns” don’t use the “H” and just spell it “J O N.” I never understood the need for a silent “H” in the middle.  Reynolds has a similar problem with the “Y” – you don’t really pronounce it, but if it’s not there the teacher will make you do it again.  For years I annoyed my brothers with the question, “Why is there a Y?”

I never asked my father this question for fear that he’d actually answer the question with one of his famous two hour lectures on the subject.  

When I entered the working world I waffled over what name I should use in my professional life. Andy or Andrew.  My first job after technical school didn’t make that decision any easier.  That job was as technical support phone dispatcher.  It was a bit of a new idea in ’79 to have a technician answer the phone and see if he could help customers resolve issues without sending out a field engineer.

We were a small company and two of us were teamed up to provide seven day coverage. I worked Sunday to Wednesday and my partner worked Wednesday to Saturday.  We were on 24 hour call and had to leave a phone number with the answering service if we weren’t in the office.  The Wednesday overlap day was intended for training and for me to write up the weekly reports – I was the one who could type.

My partner’s name was Andrew J Rodrigues and liked to be called “Andy.” I liked to be called “Andy,” and it turned out that over the phone we sounded alike.  Our customers were often confused why Andy didn’t remember on Friday what we told him on Monday.  Explaining that there were two Andys didn’t help.  For awhile we tried changing our names, he went by AJ and I went by Andrew.  The he went by Andy and I tried to go by John.

That didn’t work – turns out we had an engineer named John and customers wanted to know why John had be demoted to the call desk.The final solution was to transfer me to the repair depot and hiring a woman named Jill to take over my call shift.

Over time I felt more like an Andrew than an Andy and most coworkers and friends now know me as Andrew.  I mean, Andrew is a dignified name.  The name of Jesus’s first disciple.  Being dignified sounds good.  I’m not really that dignified, but we all have our illusions. My brothers still call me Andy and show no signs of accepting me as Andrew.

While thinking about this essay, I did look up what the name Andrew means and most sources say it means, “strong and manly.” Strange – I’ve never felt either.  Sometimes it seems like I’m strong as I can open jar lids that my wife, Heather can’t or that I seem to be able to move heavy things.  Now I weight over 200 pounds and can move a refrigerator by just leaning against it – never confuse strength with counterweight.  Sometimes Heather will say to me, “you’re a big strong man.” It’s not a complement – it’s an invitation to engage in heavy lifting or deal with a dead animal in the backyard.

As I get older I’ve noted how many other people have the same name.  Turns out that in America there are close to a million Andrew Reynolds.  I never met another one, but there used to be an Andrew Reynolds in San Jose with a horrible credit score that I was constantly having to explain to lenders and credit card companies and once or twice to debt collectors.

Then there was the day I got a letter from a grade school student wanting my autograph and a photo, plus any freebies he could get.  Turns out that Andrew Reynolds is also a world famous skateboarder and this sixth grader had an assignment to write a business letter to someone famous as ask for an autograph.  Actually it was a class assignment and the return address was the child’s school.  Somehow this kid had managed to search public records and found my address in property tax records.

I had the joy of writing to his teacher complementing this student on the quality of his letter, but advising the teacher to be careful about letting the kids find addresses on their own.

According to Amazon Andrew Reynolds has also written a number of books.  Including an interesting one titled, The Children of Harvey Milk: How LGBTQ Politicians Changed the World. Sounds interesting. I might actually read that one.  This one is kind of intriguing as well: The Third Lens: Metaphor and the Creation of Modern Cell Biology.  Now I have to read that book – just to find out what metaphor has to do with cellular biology.  Actually I can see myself writing a book with that title.

Oh and finally, apparently I also teach math at Moorpark College and have a really good rating on rate my professor dot com.

So, there you have it.  Andrew is just a boring old name with not much to say about it.

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