Friday Wisdom — Driving

Posted on 05/31/2024 by Andrew Reynolds

This week I drove to visit my brothers. Here’s everything I know about driving:

When is a door not a not? When it’s ajar.

Don’t run behind a car, you’ll get exhausted and don’t run in front of a car – you might get tired.

What kind of car does a dinosaur drive? A tyrannosaurus wreck.

I saw my neighbor washing his car with his son. I still think he should use a sponge.

There was a frog on the on-ramp thumbing for a ride, so I stoped and said, “Hop in”

So if you hit by a guitar truck, would that be a fender-bender?

The frog was at the parking meter looking for his car. I had to tell him it had been toad.

I was on a bus and gave my seat to a blind person. And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Apparently snoring scares all the passengers in my car.

I tried building a car out of wood, but it wooden go.

Most common cause of ice cream trucks breaking down: rocky road

I don’t like to brag, but I just got back from buying something very expensive. Yup, went to the gas station.

Soon we’ll have self-driving cars and soon we’ll have country songs about a guy whose truck leaves him too.

Two fish are sitting in a tank when one says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

I was writing a joke about my car, but I think it might backfire.

Did you know that the Jedi has cars? Yup, Toy-Yodas …

Did you know that there are cars for cats? Yes, they have Cat-illacs.

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21 Guns

Posted on 05/27/2024 by Andrew Reynolds

Twenty-one Guns
 
The tour bus rumbles past
the quiet monuments to the fallen.
Shutters click as the tour guide
speaks the litany of the shrine,
that once was the Lee estate.
Now it is that hallowed ground
where solders come for that long rest.
 
The Quick rumble past the carved stones
of the Dead, that once placed
boots of war on their feet.
Their soles now silent.
Now day-trippers take aim and fire.
Cameras, not rifles.
Pictures, not prisoners taken.
 
The bus stops. The microphone is silent.
To the left a horse pulls a caisson carrying a flag-draped box
That contains a name who once walked.
The warrior sent at our command.
The sightseer sees and falls silent
And hears the echo of guns.
Three volleys and then the mournful notes.
 
Boys became men
And men became names
And names became graves
Gone is the sun,
Day is done.
God is Nigh.
 
I wrote this poem a number of years ago after a visit to Arlington National Cemetery during a visit to Washington DC. I’ve been privileged to have three visits to our nation’s capital in my life and each time I go, I enter the gates of Arlington to pay my respects to the men and women who gave their lives in the service of our nation. It is my hope that we will learn to live in peace so that no one ever again need surrender their life to defend our freedom.

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Friday Wisdom — Church

Posted on 05/24/2024 by Andrew Reynolds

It’s a week of a lot of church activities. I preached at my church last Sunday, Monday was men’s group, writer’s group was yesterday and tonight is a dinner group. I know a lot of stuff about church so here it is:

Never heard at a church:

  • I’d like a turn sitting in the front pew.
  • I love 35 minute sermons.
  • Sure, I’d love to lead the middle school youth group for the next 5 years.
  • I love singing hymns I’ve never heard before.

We welcome all denominations at my church — ones, fives, tens, twenties, hundreds …

I was talking to a dentist who attends our church. He said his favorite hymn was, “Crown him with Many Crowns.”

Message for the week: Plan ahead — it wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

I asked a physicist if photons have mass. She said that she didn’t think they were Catholic.

I’ve noticed that some folks are kind and polite until you try to sit in their pews.

To make a long story short — don’t tell it.

Did you know that Moses was the first person to download something from the cloud to a tablet?

There are three kinds of church members: Those who can count and those who can’t.

A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.

I can’t believe it! someone stopped payment on my reality check.

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Friday Wisdom — College

Posted on 05/17/2024 by Andrew Reynolds

Today our grandson is graduating from university with a degree is computer science so here’s everything I know about school:

The pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower. College students travel on Scholar-ships.

I remember that in college I was so broke I couldn’t pay the electricity bill. Darkest days of my life.

I was reading a new research paper about a university study of earthquakes — it’s on shaky ground.

What is an optimist? A college student opening his wallet hoping to find money.

What is the main difference between and American student and an English student? About 3,000 miles.

Did you hear about the thief in the music department? He was caught taking notes.

I knew a math major who was obsessed with discovering the largest known prime number. Wonder what he’s up to now.

At Christmas, a father got a t-shirt in the mail as a gift from his daughter who was in college. The note inside read, “Dear Dad, it’s not much, but it was all you could afford.”

The professor asked his student, “Are you ignorant or just apathetic?” The student replies, “Don’t know and don’t care.”

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