Follow the Energy

Last week I set out a few goals for myself and I’ve been working on the ones I can. “Find a new energy source for my writing,” is the one on my mind this week.  Cancer has been a driving force in my writing for the last couple of years.  I’ve also written about my woodworking, my life, vacations, my favorite book, the occasional poem and even the odd bit now and again on literary criticism.

I’ve always been surprised by what posts of mine other people like.  Last week’s post was one of the highest read posts I’ve written.  Other posts that get a lot of reads include my two posts on building a Murphy bed, my “first post again” about getting prostate cancer and interestingly, “What to Say to a Cancer Patient.”

I wonder why people liked those posts?  I am not sure it really matters, except that in writing class they keep drilling into your head, “think of your audience.” Well, basically that is good advice.  When writing, you need to consider your audience, and write for them.  So who is my audience?  Who do I write for?

If you read my “About” page, I boldly claim that I’ll write without regard to my readers.  Easy to say when you don’t have any readers.  But now, I know I have a few people who read my blog.  I get comments, friends send me emails and even one day at church a friend came up to me and said, “I liked your last blog.”

I might have to rewrite my “About” page since there are more than just me and Heather reading these posts and I do actually sometimes write about a subject that I think my blog followers might like.  So it turns out that I do care about what my blog readers think.

Mostly when I sit down to write, I just think of what’s been happening in the last week and start a stream of conscientiousness writing session.  Then I go back and edit what came out hoping it’s good enough to post.  Just after I started writing about my prostate cancer this was an easy way to write, since there was so much to write about.

The reason it was so easy is that it was such a powerful experience, words just formed themselves and hit my screen without much effort on my part – the event and words had an energy all their own.  Writing can be like that.  The problem comes when you don’t have that kind of powerful event in your life, or have something that you feel passionate about.  In that case, writing becomes more of a chore.  It involves more work – research, outlining, drafts, rewrites, more rewrites and final editing.  I’ve done that kind of writing and it doesn’t fit into the two hours I allow myself on a Sunday afternoon.

The place I find myself now is that strange place where things are mostly fine and the overall ‘angst’ level in my life is low.  I love my wife, have a nice house, a secure job – stressful and annoying but it pays well – and enough of a workshop to build a few things in.  Week in and week out, things are mostly in order and there are few high energy events, like a sudden illness to get excited about.

So, what to do? Here are a few things I’ve thought of:

  1. Have a major crisis in my life.
  2. Get passionate about something.
  3. Spend more time researching stuff.
  4. Ask my readers what they’d like to see me blog about.
  5. Solicit guest posts so I don’t have to write anything.
  6. Post more pictures.

Most likely, by the time next week rolls around, I’ll have forgotten all about this post and will end up writing about the new driveway we’re having built at the house.

Till next week,
Andrew

Posted in Prostate Cancer, Writing | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Two Years

It’s been two years.  Two years since that journey started.  Two years since that call – since…

Since the dreaded word, prostate cancer.

The journey to here hasn’t been easy but it hasn’t been as difficult as some cancer victims have experienced.  I am alive and the treatments are done.  There are scars.  There are long-term effects.  There are days I fear reoccurrence.

Then there are days in the shop.  Days with Heather.  Days just living and being alive.

There is a future.  There are possibilities.

Today I feel a bit introspective, a bit melancholy, a bit wistful, a bit …

Part of me wants to scream in rage.  Part of me wants to cry.  Part of me wants to fly.

I want to fly away from this disease – to just take flight and soar among the clouds and leave all my fears on the ground.  I want to create beauty.  My soul yearns to take wood, fabric, paint and create an object of such beauty that it would melt your heart.

My heart still beats, still yearns, still hopes.  The cancer failed to take that from me.  The beast did drive me down paths I didn’t want to take and some times still steals my health.  I was thinking of trying to catalog all the ways prostate cancer has changed my life.

I did try to write that long list, but when I looked at it again I realized that some of the items on my list weren’t true.  For example, I put depression on my list but then I realized that I’ve always fought some kind of depression most of my life.  Cancer just made it worse for a time.

After thinking, the list got shorter until it seemed pointless to keep.  I am largely the same person I was two years ago. Perhaps I don’t think as far into the future as I use to.  Sometimes I feel like I don’t dream the big dreams as much.  I feel the need to be in the shop more and feel the need to create more.  On the whole, emotionally and spiritually I don’t feel like much has changed.

However, my body has changed.  The radiation used to kill the cancer has left its scars and most things below the waist don’t function like they used to.  Last week I mentioned that I was going to see the doctor – well it’s not something you like to talk about in polite company.  I’ll spare you all the details but the short version is “industrial strength internal hemorrhoids”. The radiation passing through my prostate also passed through my rectum and other surrounding structures and left scar tissue in its wake.  In my case I’ve been suffering from some quite painful bowel issues lately caused by what is technically known as radiation proctitis.  I just call it a pain in the butt.  There are treatments – and I am getting better day by day – but it has slowed me down a lot lately.  I won’t get started on urinary urgency – let’s just say I now have a mental map of where every men’s room in the county is and exactly how long it takes a cup tea to turn into a need to find those rooms.  And the radiation damage to the nerves passing through my prostate has changed my sexual response.  There’s a whole subject I’ll won’t be writing about.

I do feel that my writing, or rather my need for writing has changed.  It was the cancer that really got me going on this blog and for two years has really been the energy behind my posting.  Now, as I move further away from treatment, the energy fades and I no longer feel driven to my keyboard like I was when I wrote, “First Post Again”.  I am a believer in following the energy, but don’t know yet where that will lead.  There will likely be changes in how I write and how I use this blog.

Generally I don’t like to say what I am going to do since that often leads to promises I can’t keep so instead I’ll offer up a few things I’d like to be able to do in the next two years:

Find a new energy source for my writing
Do more marquetry work
Sell a piece of my woodwork
Discover a way to retire early
Improve my health
Laugh more
Stomp in more puddles
Fly a kite

Till next week,
Andrew

Posted in Prostate Cancer | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

Ronnie Hammer – My New Book

Just about two years ago Ronnie Hammer left a comment on my blog saying she was working on a book about her experience with breast cancer. Well, she’s finished it and here it is. You can order a copy through the link on her blog.

morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer's avatarMorristownMemos

After a long focused time of hard work, after writing, rewriting and editing I finally did it: published my first book. The book is about my experience of going through breast cancer.

En Garde is a good guide for reducing stress in times of fear and anxiety. And who doesn’t have those emotions for various reasons at some time in our lives?

The lesson of the book is that the mind is an incredibly powerful tool that can help overcome difficult times. The mind can provide a way out of painful situations no matter what the cause of those fears and anxieties may be. Who could ever imagine that the hero of my true story would be an imaginary British gentleman, only six inches tall, who was my rock of strength and had the power that defeated the “Big C?” It is quite a remarkable story. I’m sure everyone will want…

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Happy New Year

It’s been a good week – mostly. Christmas was great.  We kept it low-key this year and stayed in town with a small gathering of family and friends on Christmas day. Christmas eve we went to the children’s play at church and drove around to look at the Christmas lights.  The only bad part of the week was dealing with the after effects of dental surgery and other annoying health issues.  Tomorrow I get to see a dentist and a doctor to get it all sorted out.  More on all that next week.  I am also hoping that Heather has time to get this completed project in the mail tomorrow to our grandson:

Gumball Kicker

Gumball Kicking Machine

Last summer when the grand kids were out I told them they could look through my stack of ScrollSaw Woodworking magazines and pick a project they’d like to have.  One decided on this contraption.  You drop  gum balls in the top, rotate the handle, the ball drops into the base, you lift it with the lever and pull the string to kick it out the side.  Every time we talk to our grandson on the phone the first thing he asks is, “Is grandpa working on my  gum ball machine.”  I have to say this has been a difficult project because of the accuracy needed for the cuts and some of the instructions in the magazine were incomplete (wrong in one case).  Still I managed to get the thing working and Heather did all the paint work.

Now it’s ready to ship as a late Christmas present.

Next year, I’m picking the project.
Till next week,
Andrew

Posted in General, Health, woodworking | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments