Friday Wisdom – Santa

Posted on 12/23/2022 by Andrew Reynolds

Christmas is Sunday so today we have the required Santa Claus wisdom and next week will be the required New Year’s resolutions wisdom. I hope you all have a great Christmas and a wonderful new year, but now it’s time to hear about our friend Santa:

Did you know that there are people who are afraid of Santa Clause? They’re called Claustrophobic.

My advice to children: If you want a puppy for Christmas, beg for a baby brother.

There’s nothing like the joy of a child opening a PlayStation box to find the three dozen pairs of socks you bought them.

Never mess with Santa – he has a black belt.

The elves at the North Pole are also known as Subordinate Clauses.

Why did Santa stop at the liquor store? He needed some Christmas Spirits.

Santa was having trouble walking so he went to the doctor where he was diagnosed with a bad case of mistletoe.

Most kids stop believing in Santa when they start getting clothes for Christmas.

At Christmas dogs get presents from Santa Paws.

Just after the first two wise men gave their gifts of gold and frankincense and were about to leave, the third wise man said, “Wait, there’s myrrh.”

What do gingerbread men sleep under? A cookie sheet.

Why doesn’t Santa ever get sick? He has a great Elf plan.

Did you hear about the child who didn’t believe in Santa? He was a rebel without a Claus.

I saw Santa coming out of a psychiatrist’s office – I guess he didn’t believe in himself anymore.

What is the favorite song of a mom with a newborn? Silent Night.

Santa just installed GPS on his sleigh. He’s tried of being a lost Claus.

Did you know it’s getting more difficult to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered.

What did the reindeer say when Santa landed on the South Pole, “This is a lost Claus.”

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As the Pizza Cooks – Episode 1

Posted on 12/18/2022 by Andrew Reynolds

This is the first in a new series that is intended to be short.  Might be serious, might be funny, or it might incomprehensible.  You just never know. What I can say that I tend to write these while I’m letting our Sunday pizza cook.

First about the title, As the Pizza Cooks. That might be over glamorizing what I actually do with a pizza. It’s a frozen pizza we buy at the store. I add some pepperoni, olives and maybe some mushrooms and then put it in the oven to … bake, heat, cook?  Cooking a pizza sounds like I do a lot more than I do. I don’t make the dough, the sauce or even grate the cheese.  I just go to the freezer and get the box. That’s it. I came close to titling this, As the Pizza Heats Up, but that didn’t have the right ring. As the Pizza Bakes, is a possibility that I considered for about three seconds.  After nearly ten seconds of consideration I chose, As the Pizza Cooks, to make these blog posts sound fancier than they will be.

Some of you might feel that the title is familiar in someway.  Those of you who spent time in the last half of the 20th century watching daytime television will no doubt remember the longest running soap opera, As the World Turns.  This show is also the longest running show on TV, starting in 1956 and ending in 2010 and I only watched it when I was home sick from school and couldn’t find any cartoons to watch.  You’ll also remember Carol Burnett and her show that ran from 1967 to 1978. On that show one of the sketches they would do was call, “As the Stomach Turns.”

I do, I watched those as a child and recently found a few of those posted on YouTube. A very enlightening spoof of the soap opera and with a touch of social commentary.  Well, that’s how I justify watching those.

Don’t expect these posts to be of the same quality or longevity of either of the two shows.  Do expect these to be short and occasionally worth the effort to read. 

In the comments last week, Donna Cameron, said she was looking forward to “pepperoni moments.” I said I’d steal that phrase.  I don’t really know what that means, but it sounds good so I plan to add that as a regular feature and we’ll see where that goes.

This week’s Pepperoni Moment is: When preparing a buffet for a dozen people, baking five dozen snickerdoodle cookies is likely too many.

And that’s it, the timer is beeping.

Posted in As The Pizza Cooks | Tagged | 36 Comments

Friday Wisdom – Exercise

Posted on 12/16/2022 by Andrew Reynolds

After my foot issues stopped me from my daily walks and now that the cold weather is here, I’m using my exercise bicycle to get my daily exercise. It’s okay, but boring. At least it’s in the warm and my foot isn’t in agonizing pain when I finish. That makes me a expert in exercise so here’s everything I know:

I’m not so sure the exercise bike is giving me the right workout. Most of the time I just feel like I’m spinning my wheels.

Sweat is really your muscles crying in pain.

If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

The problem with joining a health club is that you have to actually show up to make it work.

Daily exercise means you’ll die healthier.

If you’re going to start doing cross-country skiing, I suggest starting with a small country.

Buns of steel is nice, but I’d rather have cinnamon buns.

I think my wife’s hairdresser is into exercising – she says she does lots of curls.

Did you know that hamburgers go to the gym? Yeah, they want tighter buns.

I thought of buying a treadmill, but that doesn’t get you anywhere.

Just read in the news that they found a hole in the gym locker rooms. The police are looking into it.

The easiest way to get a six pack is to go the grocery store.

I know people who use the gym religiously – twice a year and some holidays.

I was trying to write a joke about people who don’t exercise, but none of them were working out.

I did go to a gym for awhile and I dropped 10 pounds really fast. Sadly it landed on my foot and I didn’t go back.

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Wednesday Working – Chain Stitching

Posted on 12/14/2022 by Andrew Reynolds

The weather here has motivated me to stay indoors all week so I’m continuing on writing projects and the piecing for my table runner. This week I’m being more systematic about how I’m doing this. This is a time consuming pattern and if I keep doing it one block at a time, it could summer before I finish. I’m working on eight blocks at a time. Now that I have a better idea of what I’m doing I can do more batching of processes. First I cut all the strips needed for each block and laid those out next to my sewing machine:

Each stack is all the strips for one block. Then I stitch one strip to the block in a long chain:

This really speeds up the sewing because I can get one strip on all eight blocks in five minutes. After this the seems are pressed open and stacked ready for a new strip:

After four strips are added, the blocks are trimmed to size using the curvy template and four more strips are added.

Doing it this way saves a lot of time by reducing the amount of moving between sewing machine and cutting table. The was I was doing it before was taking about an hour to do a block. This batch process reduces that to about four hours for eight blocks, or about a forth of the time.

I’m hoping to start assembling the blocks into the main runner section this week.

Well, it’s just about tea time here, so if you need me, I’ll be in the pantry looking for cookies.

Posted in quilting | Tagged , , , | 24 Comments