Friday Wisdom – Some Thoughts

It’s a water heater. Not a hot water heater – hot water doesn’t need heating.

Fixing lunch – gee, I didn’t know it was broken.

Getting a hair cut – wouldn’t it be better to get them all cut?

I talked to a plumber about installing one of those instant hot water heaters.  He said he doesn’t work on them because it’s a tankless job.

How do you make holy water? You get a large pot, fill it with water and then boil the hell out of it.

What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.

and always remember that if wishes were horses, we’d need a lot more brooms and shovels.

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Contrast

The machines in the wood shop stand silently as I walk around turning knobs, measuring distances, and locking clamps.  Then the check list, safety glasses, hearing protection, dust mask … Switch on the noise, dust collector and the saw.  From the stack, I lift the 61 pound plywood sheet, feeling the weight move through my hands to back and then to feet causing me to shift my stance to stay upright.  Lay the sheet on the edge of the table, slide it right to the fence, and then forward to the blade.

The saw screams and the dust flies as the plywood moves through the blade and is split in two.  I push through, and let the righthand side drop to the floor.  I stand straight, shifting my balance and pull the remaining sheet to the left, back and then push right to the fence.  The saw screams again as the motion moves forward.  Repeat until the plywood sheet becomes a stack of bookcase shelves.

On cold winter afternoon music plays from the computer as I carefully measure the fabric on the cutting board.  Finding the right position I press down on the ruler, open the rotary cutter and slice the strip out of the material.  Move the strip aside and reset for another cut.

At the sewing machine, the gentle rhythm starts as my foot presses down.  Two different pieces joined.  Then another pair and another.  The iron presses the seams open and more cuts, more sewing and a stack of blocks starts to build on my cutting table.  Someday it will decorate a wall.

During a moment of inattention, two pieces get joined wrong and I dig through the drawer looking for that seam ripper.  A little time, a pass through the sewing machine, and the error is corrected.

In wood an error could mean sanding, recutting, digging out nails, removing screws or scraping the piece.  The process is slightly different – maybe a bit more involved, but the result is the same, an error corrected and a part completed.

While there are striking differences between wood and fabric, there are an amazing number of similarities.  There is careful measuring, machine setup, understanding the materials, tools that cut, and tools that join.  The need to create, the ability to envision a completed object before starting, and the willingness to spend the time needed to get the desired result are the same.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a bookcase or a wall hanging in the act of creating as the result is the same: a vision, a plan is turned into something you can see, touch and marvel over.

It comes down to the same things, a mind to plan, a desire to create, tools to work with and raw materials to shape.

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Friday Wisdom – Money

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect to get it back.

When does it rain money? When there is change in the weather.

Why did the bank robber take a bath? He wanted to make a clean get away.

In God we trust.  All others, pay cash.

Sign at the coffee shop on the tip jar: “Afraid of change? Leave it here.”

If you think no one cares, try missing a couple of payments.

I went to the bank to deposit a check and the asked for my ID.  I asked, “Are other people trying to deposit money in my account?”

I’m boycotting all those companies that are selling items I can’t afford.

A man is walking with God on the beach and the man asks, “God a second to you must be like a million years to me.”
God replied, “Yes, my son that is true.”
The man asked, “So a penny to you must be like a million dollars to me.”
God replied, “Yes, my son that is true.”
The man asked, “God, may I have a penny?”
God replied, “Of course, just a second.”

 

 

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Friday Military Wisdom

One of my father’s served during WWII in the US Army Coast Artillery Corps, and this was one of his favorite sayings, “Walk your post in a military manner and take no shit from the battery commander.”

Here’s some others I use or have stollen:

The Drill Sergeant yelled at the squad, “All RIGHT! ALL YOU IDIOTS FALL OUT!”  The squad started to wander away, but one soldier remained at attention.  The Drill walked over to the soldier and glared at him. The soldier looked the Sergeant in the eye and said, “Sure were a lot of ’em Sergeant.”

What month do ground troops hate? March

How many officers does it take to start a jeep? Just one to call for the sergeant.

Note on laying out a camp: The coffee tastes better if the latrines are located well down stream of the cook’s tent.

How do you know when your date with a fighter pilot is half over? It’s when he says, “Enough about me, let me tell you about my plane.”

I failed the test to become a Marine so they put me in a Navy Sub because I was, Sub-Marine.

Why couldn’t the sailors play cards? The captain was sitting on the deck.

What grades do you need to join the Navy? Seven Cs

A young woman went to join the Navy and the recruiter asked, “Can you swim?”  “Why do you ask, don’t you have boats?” she replied.

Airman: “Sure is hot and the A/C in our tent just died.” Solider: “You have A/C?” Marine: “You have tents?”

How do the different branches secure a building?

  • Marines: Open fire, kill everyone, and setup headquarters inside.
  • Army: Post sentries at every entrance.
  • Navy: Turn out the lights and lock all the doors.
  • Air Force: Get a five year lease with an option to buy.
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